Marrying in Japan: Waiting for a Father’s Approval, Sort of
Photo by Belle Collective on Unsplash
Scott Johnston
Published in Japonica
Publication
October 24, 2023
Published online at https://medium.com/japonica-publication/marrying-in-japan-e81b481dbc7d
DC Palter mentioned in
A Fond Farewell
to the Mother-in-Law Who Refused to Allow Us to Marry about his Japanese
mother-in-law being against his marriage. In my case, my soon-to-be
father-in-law did not approve of the marriage. Following is a conversation
between Yoko, my wife, and me discussing our courtship and marriage, which
occurred about 40 years ago.
I came to Japan as an assistant language teacher. Back
then, it was called Mombusho English Fellow (MEF). I taught in prefectural high
schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. Also, the Kanagawa Education Prefectural Center
would send me out to teach at places, such as community centers.
One day, I was sent to a Seishonenkaikan, Youth
Center, to teach adults on four consecutive Wednesday evenings. I met Yoko, my
future wife, who came to class late. Here is us talking about our first
meeting, dating, and marriage plans.
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Scott: Remember when we met?
Yoko: Yes, you were teaching at the Youth Center.
Scott: There were about 15 people, mostly young women.
You came late with a friend. I remember you were wearing a skirt.
Yoko: And you were dressed terribly. It looked like you
just woke up and threw on some old clothes.
Scott: So, a positive first impression?
Yoko: After getting over the shock of the clothing. I was
happily surprised. I thought the teacher might be the wife of someone from the
U.S. Navy base or a tall, intimidating American guy. Instead, there was a
short, calm American guy, who asked lots of questions and waited for answers
from the students. You were patient. However, I thought you were not my type,
as I had always hoped to marry someone tall and handsome.
Scott: Well, we met after the end of the four weeks and
started dating.
Yoko: I would not call it dating. You were running a lot
of road races, and I tagged along with you to races on the weekend.
Scott: Wasn’t that fun?
Yoko: No, we took trains to the races; you ran, sweat,
and I carried your clothing. After the races, we talked with your running club
friends, many of whom smoked. That was shocking. And, of course, lots of
alcoholic drinking. It was not too exciting. But after that, we usually went
out to eat or did something together, and that was fun. We kept communicating
by postal mail or phone calls, as back then there was no email or LINE.
Scott: Then, one day I proposed in December at a
restaurant. I said something like, “Yoko, I will never be rich; I will be
traveling around, and we may even have to stay in a tent somewhere, but I want
to marry you. Don’t answer now, but next weekend. Think about it.”
Yoko: Yes. That was so negative. I wanted a more positive
proposal, even if you switched around by starting with, “Yoko, I want to marry
you, but….” Yet, I did say YES the next week.
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Then we had to arrange for me to meet Yoko’s parents, as
I had not met them yet. We discussed possible questions her dad might ask. He
was a retired military officer, so Yoko warned me that he was not very
talkative. And, he would not appreciate any of my humor. On the other hand, her
mother was friendly and would enjoy the conversation.
Some questions we thought her dad might ask were:
Where do you work?
How much money do you make?
What is your education level?
What are your plans? When will you go back to the U.S.?
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Scott: Then I had to memorize the Japanese answers to the
questions, as my Japanese was, shall we say, not fluent. I remember I gave good
answers to his questions, though I may have lied when I said we would not move
to the U.S. I remember that he was polite and nice to me. I left feeling fine.
Yoko: After you left, we talked, and my dad said you were
a nice person, but that you would take me to America, where I would be lonely.
He said that if you took me to America, then he could not help me if I was so
far away. I knew this was my father’s indirect way of saying NO, even without
saying NO. As you know, many Japanese do not like to say NO directly, so they
are indirect, like my father. I knew from his words that he was against our
marriage, at that time.
Scott: Why didn’t you just marry me, without his
permission?
Yoko: Because you told me to wait until my father agrees.
Scott: I said that?
Yoko: You said you wanted me to keep good relations with
my family.
Scott: Hmm. Sounds like something I might say.
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So, began about two months when Yoko and her dad did not
talk to each other, even though they lived in the same house. Yoko would go to
work, come home, and avoid her dad.
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Scott: I know we have slightly different memories of your
dad relenting. I remember your mom had to go to the hospital for a gallstone
operation. One day, your dad visited, and your mom said to him, “It is about
time to let Yoko marry Scott. You have a choice. First, you can let Yoko marry
Scott and gain a son-in-law. Or, you do not allow it, and you lose Yoko, who
will marry Scott and not come to see you again.”
Yoko: Well, your memory is bad!
Scott: Oops.
Yoko: One day, my mom said to my father, something like,
“It is about time to let Yoko marry Scott.” My dad did not say anything to me,
but my mom told me we could marry. I knew she had talked to my dad, and, again,
he had not said YES or NO, but my mom read his answer as OK. My dad is very
Japanese when it comes to communicating.
Scott: I often find it difficult to understand the
Japanese indirect way of communication. At work, I have learned if someone
says, “We will look into it.” That is a definite NO.
Yoko: Even when I ask friends out for lunch, if they say
they have to think about it, I know that is a NO.
Scott: Then I called my parents in the U.S. and told them
I was getting married. My mom was so happy that someone would even marry me.
Yoko: We did not have a wedding in Japan. We just went to
the US embassy in Tokyo with two witnesses, filled out Kon-in Todoke (Request
of Marriage Registration), and took it to a Tokyo municipal office where we
received a Kon-in Todoke Juri Shomeishsho (Certificate of Acceptance of
Notification of Marriage Japanese wedding certificate). This was in June.
Scott: My mother in Michigan wanted a wedding, so my
mother and sisters adjusted my youngest sister’s wedding gown to fit you.
Yoko: I think your youngest sister planned most of the
July wedding. We just flew in and attended our wedding in the church.
Scott: Also, we found that we could easily get officially
married in Michigan, so we are married in Michigan and Tokyo. Lucky us. Now we
have been officially married in two countries for almost 40 years.
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The author writes about miscommunication around the world
with a focus on Japan, where he lives with his Japanese wife. Author of
Snapshots of Yoko’s Intercultural Conversations: https://amzn.asia/d/50xaXTt
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