Time to Leave, Honey


April 3, 2020

Leaving the house with Yoko, my Japanese wife, used to be stressful, until I changed my habits. This is what it looked like.
When Yoko and I go out for shopping, she gives me the warning, “We are leaving soon”, texting the message from the living room.  
I understood this as, “We are leaving soon”, so I prepared. I changed my clothes, washed my face, got my coat out, and put on my shoes. And I waited at the door.
Yoko, walking to the washbasin to put on make-up, clarifies. “We are leaving soon.” I take off my shoes, and go to the bathroom, as I assume this may be my last chance before we are outside. I return to the living room and wait. Getting bored, I take out my smartphone and text. And take off my coat.
I hear from the other room, “We are leaving soon. Are you ready?”
Now I slowly head to the door carrying my coat, and Yoko, standing at the door ready to go, asks, “Aren’t you ready?”
I smile, as I take my last bathroom stop.

Now this how it went for nearly 30 years, until recently the light bulb went off in my head. A slow lighting lightbulb, needless to say. Key to this is changing my mindset as I realized I was not going to change Yoko’s habits without a war, so I had no choice but to change my own way of thinking. I needed to understand that when Yoko says, “We are leaving soon”, it does not mean “We are leaving soon.”


My current routine.

Yoko gives me the warning, “We are leaving soon”, as she is texting from the living room.  Now, I interpret this first cue as, “I am letting you know that I am thinking about getting ready to prepare to leave—not soon but in time.”
I reply, “Ok”, and continue watching the news on TV.

 Cue two. Yoko still texting with her smartphone, two feet away from me, “We are leaving soon. Are you ready?”
“I am working on it.” I prepare. I go to wash my face, put on the essential underarm deodorant, scan my face in the mirror, and if necessary, comb my hair with a brush, or more often than not, pat down the hairs sticking up. hand. After that 3- minute routine, I look over at Yoko, who is heading to the bathroom sink, contemplating putting on makeup.
I head to the living room, pick up my book and get 5 more minutes through my spellbinding book on The Power of Habits.
Then the 3rd cue from near the door, “We are leaving soon.”
Slowly I put down my book, make a last bathroom call, as it may be my last stop before we are outside and put on my coat. Now, I slowly head to the door and Yoko, standing there apparently ready to go, asks, “What took you so long?”
Smiling I put on my shoes, my daypack and go outside. I turn around and Yoko is taking off her shoes and going to the bathroom.

Leaving home is a complicated dance of degrees. The first being letting me know (awareness), the second being (initiate), and the third being, “we are leaving.” 
According to Charles Duhigg in The power of habit: Why we do what we do and how to change (2012), I was reading the cue for “We are leaving soon”, the wrong way.



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