Funeral Flowers in Japan:

A Humorous Experience Sending Flowers

October 27, 2022

Published on

https://medium.com/japonica-publication/funeral-flowers-in-japan-4888b5a7a4b7

An American friend of mine passed away in Osaka after we moved to the Kanto area. He had planned his funeral so that it was a chance for friends to come and say goodbye.

We contacted a friend involved in arranging the funeral, and she said sending flowers would be fine. Since Yoko, my wife, and I could not attend, we wanted to send flowers to the otsuya, the wake, and the ososhiki, the funeral.

For us, this sounded simple: Visit a flower shop and ask them to send the flowers or wire an order of flowers, as we do in the U.S. We had the phone number and address, so easy, right?

Wrong. So starts the cultural bump that my wife and I faced as we nonchalantly began our adventure attempting to send flowers to a funeral.

We entered a flower shop and asked them to send flowers to the funeral home. The person looked at us like we were crazy. We kept smiling and hoping they would say OK. We were told that each funeral home has its own way to order flowers, so we should call the funeral home.

We called the funeral home and the conversation went something like this:

Yoko: We would like to send flowers to the funeral home for our American friend’s funeral.

Director: You want to send flowers?

Yoko: Yes? We want to send flowers.

Director: We only accept orders of flowers that we provide.

Yoko, being very American, though she is Japanese: Why?

Director, to clarify: We only accept flowers that we provide.

Yoko, not giving up: We are at a florist now. Can we just ask them to send some flowers that we choose?

Director: Saaaaa. I can send you an attachment of a file showing the bouquets that we create. What is your fax number?

Yoko realized that this “Saaaaa” in Japanese, was a strong No, as Japanese often do not directly say, No.

Yoko, switching to focus on the keywords, “fax number”: I am on my smartphone. And we do not have a fax number.

Director: No fax number. Saaaaa.

Ah, the infamous “Saaaaa.” Here it may be a sign of confusion.

Yoko: Can you send us an attachment if we give you an email?

Director, feeling relieved: Yes. What is your email?

Yoko gives him the email, and they finish the conversation. We talked and realized that fax numbers are used by Japanese companies and organizations, such as schools, that still actually have fax machines.

After arriving home and examining the attachment on the computer, we found you have five choices of flower arrangements. They are: somewhat expensive, expensive, extremely expensive, super expensive, and outrageous.

11000 yen equal to US $78

16500 yen equal to US $117

27500 yen equal to US $196

38500 yen equal to US $275

49500 yen equal to US $353

(1 dollar equals 140 yen)

In Japan, you can have flowers in front of the casket and behind. If you want both, the price is double.

Yoko, a former floral designer in the U.S., looked at the choices and said to me: Boring colors.

So, we filled out the order form with our choice. We called back to ask about any possible changes to the flowers and our message. The conversation was like this:

Yoko: I would like to add some more color to the bouquet. Can we do that?

Director: Saaaaa.

Yoko: But we want some more colors.

Director: Saaaaa.

Yoko changes the topic: OK. We notice the space is very small for the message. We want to write a personal message in English since we will not be at the funeral.

Director: There is only a small space to write your name. if you write too much the font size will be very small.

Yoko, understanding that this is a No, typed in:

Johnston Scott & Yoko and underneath, in case they had trouble with English,

ジョンストンスコット＆陽子

Not surprising to us, they used the Japanese for our names.

After this cultural bump, I decided to investigate sending flowers to funerals to see whether this was an isolated incident or common in Japan. Since the florist said we had to contact the funeral home, I had assumed it was common.

I started the investigation on Medium and found Shameen Anwar’s article “Japanese Funeral.” This provided helpful information on the rites and the Buddhist background of Japanese funerals. But nothing about flowers.

A continuing search on the internet gave mixed results. Two sites indicated that the kōden (香典) or condolence money is necessary. According to Funerals in Japan: Etiquette and Rituals, “The basic rule is the closer your relationship to the deceased, the more you should give. A friend can bring along a minimum of 5000 yen, a relative should give 10,000 yen, and immediate family even more.”

No mention of flowers.

I looked at Japanese Funeral Etiquette. This website suggests that if you cannot attend, you can send kōden by post. It adds, “Condolence flowers or offerings may be considered inappropriate, and this may be stated on the funeral invitation.” Well, we had permission.

I also found online floral sites that, not surprisingly, encourage people to send flowers. Nipponflorist says, “Sympathy flowers are a sweet way of showing compassion and support for someone who has lost a loved one.” Continuing it elaborates, “Nipponflorist.jp has tie-ups with local florists who craft heartfelt bereavement flowers such as a remarkable 50 White Roses Arrangement.”

Online flower delivery is possible, and there are companies willing to send flowers for you.

I wanted more specific information about funeral homes accepting flowers sent to them, so I emailed a Japanese friend whose husband is a Buddhist monk. This helped clear things up. Here is what she said:

The rules and manners of the funerals are different in regions and religious sects.

Family, close friends, and company representatives sending flowers is common practice, especially if they cannot make the funeral.

Generally, funerals are arranged by funeral homes and not by Buddhist temples.

When a Buddhist person dies in a hospital or nursing home, usually the family is introduced to the funeral company which is affiliated with the institution. The family contacts the temple to which the person belongs. Then the monk only performs the funeral and funeral-related services. The monk will not arrange the service.

At many funerals, guests put flowers, kyouka (供花), in the casket during the funeral ceremony. This is the 最後のお別れ or final goodbye. These flowers are a part of the ceremony, and these flowers are ordered from the funeral home.

Some people want to order flowers, like you, and send them to the funeral home. This should be OK, but these flowers cannot be put in the casket. The bereaved family needs to take these home with them.

In the Buddhist manner, the funeral home will make a small altar at the family’s home where the family places the deceased remains in an urn along with a photograph of the deceased for 49 days. Usually, the family places the funeral flowers here.

My friend’s explanation suggests that funeral homes in Japan differ in their requirements concerning sending flowers.

In short, the results of my research into ordering flowers for funerals indicate:

1. Call the funeral home and ask.

2. Don’t be shocked if they say, “You must order from us.”

Yoko, who is Japanese, had a bigger culture bump than I did. Living in Japan, we have faced many situations, like this, where the Japanese rules or norms were not flexible. We just keep on learning, smiling, and waiting for the next bump.

References

https://medium.com/this-shall-be-our-story/japanese-funeral-496041694395

https://savvytokyo.com/funerals-japan-etiquette-rituals/

https://www.realestate-tokyo.com/living-in-tokyo/religion/funerals/

https://www.nipponflorist.jp/condolence

Thanks to DC Palter for editing suggestions.